Tits, Clits, and Game Winnings Hits: Managing at the Center of a Protein Shake Storm

As you all know, I have been a close friend of Manager Jason Lepore for many years now. Although I've never allowed it to get in the way of objectively reporting on the team he managed for two years, I must admit that I hurt with him when it was recently announced that he would not be returning to manage the team this year. When I spoke with him on the phone after the announcement I could hear him holding back the tears. And so I asked if there was anything I could do. Did he want blog space to make an official announcement? Did he need some cash to make ends meet while he got back on his feet? Did he want to try some exotic drugs and call up a few South Asian hookers to feel better?

He thanked me for the offer but kindly refused. Roughly a month later, he called me back to say there was something I could do for him (I was in the middle of the third activity I offered him in our last conversation). He asked that I publish the chapters of his soon to be released book, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Jim Bouton's Ball Four.

I couldn't say yes fast enough. And so, without further ado, I present Chapter 1 of Tits, Clits, and Game Winning Hits: Managing at the Center of a Protein Shake Storm below.

CHAPTER 1
A DREAM COME TRUE

Most people don't grow up wanting to become a coach. They'd rather play. It's simple, really. Most of us would rather be rich and famous instead of standing on the sidelines shouting directions to the rich and famous. But since the age of 8, when my athletic dreams were drowning in a sea of inability, I've wanted to coach. Those who can't do, teach and those who can't play, coach.

I sat down and began to read every great coaching book I could get my hands on. I was voracious. Coach Wooden's Pyramid of Success, Sacred Hoops by Phil Jackson, What it Takes to be Number 1 by Vince Lombardi, and, of course, Bad as I Wanna Be by Dennis Rodman. These were my Bible, my Torah, my Bhagavad Gita. I strove to be the best I could be....by making others be the best that they could be.

For 10 years I studied and at the age of 18, got my first coaching job. I was the Assistant Water Boy for the Defiance Desperados, a D League Kickball team with a franchise winning percentage of .087. For years I languished. I coached everywhere, in every sport. I spent time as an Assistant to the Assistant Trainer's Assistant for the Massapequa Mustangs (Dodgeball). I worked as an Intern for the Babysitter of the Assistant Coach of the Tallahassee Titans (Curling). I even found myself as the Assistant White Board Eraser (Pre-Game Speeches Only) for the Wayne Weavers (Professional Basket Weaving). And then, in the summer of 2004, I got my big break.

After a lengthy interview process, I was name the head coach of the Bingham Bed Wetters, an F League Softball Team. In just three years, I raised their franchise record from 14-145 to 20-190. They'd never seen such success. And so it was that I was sitting late in my office one night, working on the lineup, that my phone rang.

On the other end of the line was the legendary Ryan Djernes himself. He wanted me to fly out to Santa Monica (in actuality he meant that I should take a bus and he'd pay for 1% of the fare, a deal I couldn't pass up) and meet with him about becoming the next head coach of the Soft J's. I packed up and left a note on my desk, resigning as the most successful coach in the history of the Bed Wetters.

I sat on the bus, riding West, gazing out the window the whole way. It was all happening, my dreams were coming true. I knew that I'd get the job, and I knew that the Soft J's would never be the same.