T,C, & GWH: MatCoaPSS

CHAPTER 2
JUST A SMALL TOWN BOY

The bus ride took 12 days (3 breakdowns, 4 flat tires, and 1 FBI seizure of the bus due to the fact that the driver was part of a drug sting), but to me it felt like 12 minutes. Stepping off the bus, I realized that I was in a foreign land. Santa Monica was full of girls in bikinis, college students, and hairy, sweaty, homeless men. Clearly I was a long way from home.

Having very little money to my name, and not knowing anything about where I was, I took the first apartment I could get. The place was filthy and I had 4 roommates (it was a modest 1 bedroom), but I knew that soon enough, making the money Ryan Djernes was sure to offer me, I'd be living in the lap of luxury. I considered myself lucky, several of my roommates happened to know the bus driver who had driven me out to Santa Monica. I was amongst friends. Unfortunately, what few possessions I did have seemed to be disappearing quickly. My roommates told me that Santa Monica was a high crime neighborhood and to be more careful with my stuff.

Within a week of arriving, it was time to meet with the Godfather himself, Mr. Ryan Djernes. For years I had heard comparisons between him, Al Davis, and Donald Sterling, so I knew that he was one of the greatest owners in the history of sports. When I first walked into his office, he had no recollection of ever calling me, and there were boxes and boxes of Purina Puppy Chow scattered all over the office.

With a franchise record of 13-23, it was understandable that he forgot. A man who's experienced that kind of success can't be expected to remember everything. I was just honored to be in the same room with the guy (even though it reeked of dog food). He explained that Purina was a side project of his and that nothing would ever come between him and his beloved J's.

He got right down to business and offered me a 1 year contract for five dollars a game and explained that all contracts were on a per-game basis because no one had ever coached for him for more than a year (the fault was always with the coaches, not ownership or the players themselves). I quickly did the math in my head and realized that this salary would be enough to live at my apartment for 3 years (thanks to Santa Monica Rent Control policies).

After signing in blood, another of Mr. Djernes' rules, he quickly explained the ground rules about how to treat his players. He told me, "Now I know you're just a small town boy, but this is the big leagues now. We average anywhere from 1 to 2 fans a night, and it can get pretty loud out there. Don't let the crowd get in your head. Follow your instincts, unless you disagree with me, then follow my instincts instead."

This all seemed simple enough. He then handed me the official roster, with a short note on each of the players. He said he knew his players better than anyone else and to always look to this sheet to be reminded of their personalities. I've never shared this with anyone, but have published it below:

Sean Djernes - Lack of Competitive Drive, Passive Aggressive
Michael J. Reiss - Me First Attitude, Should NEVER Win the Coach's Award
Lee Rosen - Steroid Addiction, Gambling Problem
Jon Aronson - Prostitution Addiction, Unnatural Love for Short Shorts
Darren Quinn - Dirty Texting Addiction, Unnatural Love for Dirty Texts
Brett Spaulding - Jersey Burner, Unnatural Love for Paul Farinacci, Jr.
Clint Jackson - Prostitution Addiction, Charged with Several Petifile Crimes
Eric Snow - Great Hustler, Serious Drinking Problem
Kevin Quinn - Sweet Lefty Stroke, Unnatural Love for Asian Women
Paul Farinacci, Jr. - Drinking Problem, Gambling Problem, Injury Prone
Jason Lepore - Pussy, Lucky If He Makes Through One Year Working for Me

I couldn't figure out why he left my name on the list, but I'm pretty sure it was simply a motivational tool. My one concern was with Paul Farinacci, a player who I knew was immensely talented but had the reputation of being cancerous in the clubhouse. As the team's former manager, I was reluctant to keep him on the squad for fear of dividing the clubhouse. Mr. Djernes told me, "He is a great player. Get over it."

Oh well, I though, may as well make the best of it. So I walked out of his office energized, ready to take the J's to a new level of success.

Paul Farinacci Carrer Stats Compared to Team Carrer Stats

I will try to get as many of these out as I can. Click on the picture to see the full size.

Winter league fate to be decided at 1pm today, 10/21

Stay tuned J's, the league posts this season's schedule today at 1pm on their website, found at:

http://www01.smgov.net/comm_progs/community_sports/Softball.htm

Best case scenario: J's get into any league, wear their LA City Champions shirt for every pre-game, bring the trophy into the dugout to show case, win their first SM league title, and find a new drinking game for 2010. All is happy.

Worst case scenario: J's don't get in. The curse of Lepore continues, and a Missing Person's report is filed for said Lepore.

Tits, Clits, and Game Winnings Hits: Managing at the Center of a Protein Shake Storm

As you all know, I have been a close friend of Manager Jason Lepore for many years now. Although I've never allowed it to get in the way of objectively reporting on the team he managed for two years, I must admit that I hurt with him when it was recently announced that he would not be returning to manage the team this year. When I spoke with him on the phone after the announcement I could hear him holding back the tears. And so I asked if there was anything I could do. Did he want blog space to make an official announcement? Did he need some cash to make ends meet while he got back on his feet? Did he want to try some exotic drugs and call up a few South Asian hookers to feel better?

He thanked me for the offer but kindly refused. Roughly a month later, he called me back to say there was something I could do for him (I was in the middle of the third activity I offered him in our last conversation). He asked that I publish the chapters of his soon to be released book, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Jim Bouton's Ball Four.

I couldn't say yes fast enough. And so, without further ado, I present Chapter 1 of Tits, Clits, and Game Winning Hits: Managing at the Center of a Protein Shake Storm below.

CHAPTER 1
A DREAM COME TRUE

Most people don't grow up wanting to become a coach. They'd rather play. It's simple, really. Most of us would rather be rich and famous instead of standing on the sidelines shouting directions to the rich and famous. But since the age of 8, when my athletic dreams were drowning in a sea of inability, I've wanted to coach. Those who can't do, teach and those who can't play, coach.

I sat down and began to read every great coaching book I could get my hands on. I was voracious. Coach Wooden's Pyramid of Success, Sacred Hoops by Phil Jackson, What it Takes to be Number 1 by Vince Lombardi, and, of course, Bad as I Wanna Be by Dennis Rodman. These were my Bible, my Torah, my Bhagavad Gita. I strove to be the best I could be....by making others be the best that they could be.

For 10 years I studied and at the age of 18, got my first coaching job. I was the Assistant Water Boy for the Defiance Desperados, a D League Kickball team with a franchise winning percentage of .087. For years I languished. I coached everywhere, in every sport. I spent time as an Assistant to the Assistant Trainer's Assistant for the Massapequa Mustangs (Dodgeball). I worked as an Intern for the Babysitter of the Assistant Coach of the Tallahassee Titans (Curling). I even found myself as the Assistant White Board Eraser (Pre-Game Speeches Only) for the Wayne Weavers (Professional Basket Weaving). And then, in the summer of 2004, I got my big break.

After a lengthy interview process, I was name the head coach of the Bingham Bed Wetters, an F League Softball Team. In just three years, I raised their franchise record from 14-145 to 20-190. They'd never seen such success. And so it was that I was sitting late in my office one night, working on the lineup, that my phone rang.

On the other end of the line was the legendary Ryan Djernes himself. He wanted me to fly out to Santa Monica (in actuality he meant that I should take a bus and he'd pay for 1% of the fare, a deal I couldn't pass up) and meet with him about becoming the next head coach of the Soft J's. I packed up and left a note on my desk, resigning as the most successful coach in the history of the Bed Wetters.

I sat on the bus, riding West, gazing out the window the whole way. It was all happening, my dreams were coming true. I knew that I'd get the job, and I knew that the Soft J's would never be the same.

SOURCES: Lepore to return as Soft J’s Manager, almost fired

Sources close to the Soft J’s organization have confirmed that Jason Lepore will be back as manager for their next softball season, when and where ever that may be.

Those same sources, with direct knowledge of the situation, who also claim to be the best looking members of the organization, confirmed that there was a brief period where it looked as if Lepore’s termination was eminent. There was unrest in the clubhouse with where the club was heading, especially since they weren’t heading to Cabo after the games.

But after the final game of the season and the realization amongst all J’s that they had just laid claim to their first pennant, any chance of a mutiny was put to rest.

In other news, Lee Rosen and Sean Djernes have both tested negative for performance enhancing drugs and will be available for next season. Kevin Quinn has vowed to come back stronger than ever and also stated that he has signed an endorsement deal with P90X. Paul Farinacci claims to have a tumor in his brain, but doctors have confirmed that it was in fact the world’s largest in-grown jheri curl. All expect Paul to claim he has another life threatening disease shortly. Jon Aronson was voted first team All-Ass, as voted by the fans for best rear end. Brett Spaulding finished last in voting for Comeback POY. Eric Viramontes is reportedly in talks with the Mexican National Track and Field team. JJ Warren’s contract is up for review after an “ankle injury” kept him out for all of the 2nd half of the season, some suspect there is more than meets the eye on this one. Tim Kenney’s cleats have been taken into possession by league officials determining if the metal spikes he uses could sever a human leg. People are still wondering why Mikey Riess was always batting in the top 3 of the line up even after a month hiatus. Rumors of an alleged affair with Jason Lepore have been floating around the internet. The head office mentioned that finding a replacement pitcher for next season is the most important off season move in the storied franchises history. P Darren Quinn is expected to be out next season after surgery.

From Soft J's to the Softest J's

the J's are just a fragment of what they once stood for and their priorities are way out of whack. No more trips to Cabo, in fact, no one even asks about going anymore. No more emails before games pumping everyone up for that night's game. In fact, we've gone to an automated system now for checking in players, and even that didn't help last night as we had only 9 show up. Mrs. Farinacci showed up to watch one of the most pathetic offensive performances by a Soft j's team ever (Tri-P's is #1).

the only recognizable characteristic of the J's that was seen in last night's game was everyone getting on Sean when he snapped his 5 season long hitting streak followed by an F bomb on-slaught that offended everyone within a square mile.

even Dave Johnston won't write about us anymore.

we truly have gone soft, and that's just unacceptable.

The recent onsent of June Gloom certainly hasn't made an impact on the J's performance on the field. They've continued their dominance of the league this season as they've pushed their record to 8-1. A first ever division championship is all but locked up. And yet, attendance is at an all time low. Win after win, I've sat in the stands, alone and confused. How could it be that through the best season in J's history, turnout has hit rock bottom?

And so it was that I decided to do some serious investigative reporting, the likes of which I haven't done since I uncovered the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs in the RFRRL (Russian Federation of Russian Roulette League). After hours and hours of phone calls, internet searching, and drug use, I still had no answers. I had given up. And then something strange happened.

I was sitting at the game Wednesday night and Center Fielder Sean Djernes was called out on a close play at second base. My ears perked up. A Djernes outburst is worth the price of admission alone. And what happened, you ask? Nothing. A few words to the other team as he walked back to the dugout. No massive F Bomb. No being held back by teammates. No telling the other team that he'll be in the parking lot or that he could beat any one of them in at least 8 out of 10 sports. And right then and there I figured it out. The J's have gone vanilla.

This team used to draw comparisons to the Pistons of the late 80s. It was this swagger, this attitude, that put fans in the stands. I did a little more research and found a stat that says it all. The J's are 8-1 this year, but they have made a mere 2 trips to Cabo. They don't drink, they don't swear, and they barely even taunt each other during the games any more. They may win, but it sure hasn't been exciting to watch.

I spoke with Second Basemen Jon Aronson after the game and was told, "You know I think we're all just turning a corner. Maturing. That stuff was fun when we were 20, but not anymore. I think we've all learned that you don't have to drink to have a good time." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Aronson is a perfect microcosm of what this team has become. He stopped turning tricks 3 years ago and hasn't even sniffed a scandal since.

It wasn't always this way, and hopefully it doesn't stay like this. But losing party legends Clint Jackson (known for his trademark random screaming and 2 hour solo dance sessions) and Eric Snow (known for binging until 4PM the next day in Vegas) certainly doesn't bode well for the future.

Faithful readers, I leave you with the following link below. It is my hope and my dream that the poor sportsmanship caught in this video will once again become the J's trademark.

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/d08e74cde5cd25d96429b14979431c8d/video/4516990