Instructional Video

I ordered Fred McGriff's back-to-back-to-back AAU Championships instructional video for myself after last night's game, so if anyone wants to borrow it, I've got it.

Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVgVZWvzT0A

Tonight's Lineup/Positions

Djernes (3B)
Reiss (CF)
Farianacci (SS)
K. Quinn (RF)
D. Quinn (P)
Lepore (R)
Rosen (C)
Warren (LF)
Kenney (1B)
Spaulding (2B)

Fall From Grace

It was once said, with great enthusiasm, that Ryan Djernes would change the game of Softball forever.  Right out of college, Ryan was viewed by many as godsend, and a sign of great changes to come. Unfortunately, in his short career, it doesn't look as if  Ryan will ever live up to any of the hype decreed in the media.  His coaching career has been plagued with disappointment.  In just 3 seasons, he has coached for 3 different teams, all of which posted losing records.  In his last, and most current coaching opportunity, Ryan fell to a new low, as he was asked to coach a Co-ed team.  Ryan accepted the job, and in 6 games, his team has yet to win a game.  It is becoming clear, that with a team of Men or Women, Djernes just doesn't have the stuff to Coach in this game.  

In his first season with the J's, Ryan struggled through his rookie year.  His passion to share in the personal lives of his players, only lead to his teams consistent failure.  He asked his players, "Where do you want to play today?" and without question, he would meet their requests. He lived without a lineup, stating that "Everyone should have a chance to bat cleanup." Although these strategies made some players adore him, they also brewed a internal hatred for Ryan, amongst the premier players.  It was this hatred, that eventually forced Ryan out as the Soft J's coach in early 2007.

His second season was held in Scottsdale, AZ.  To this day, there is little information that can be found, as to the possible success or failure of this team.  We do know, that the team, named Amateur Hour, posted a loosing record (5-7), which was now becoming a staple of any team coached by Djernes.  In addition to the teams loosing record, they were further embarrassed by their lack of style.  The team wore solid Pink shirts, with no logo at all.  Some of the older members of the J's were heard saying "At least Ryan used to care about looking good...now he has really thrown in the towel."

Currently, as stated above, Ryan moved to San Francisco, CA.  Maybe a change of scenery would be all Coach Djernes needed to catapult his career.  To start the season out, Ryan made, what looked to be, his smartest coaching move to date.  Ryan brought Soft J's MVP 08, Sean Djernes, up for a game.  It was hailed as a "no-brainer," but the outcome would prove otherwise.  Sean made 6 errors and went 1 for 3, and Ryan's team lost their first game of the season.  The season was young, and there was still hope.  Unfortunately, with a Co-ed team, Ryan can hardly manage to get 9 players out on the field.  One female was quoted saying, "play for Ryan? I think I have a hair appointment today."  Ironically, she missed two additional games with an Eyebrow Appointment and a "Petty."  The lack of commitment, and apparent poor coaching, has lead Ryan's team to an 0-6 record. (The worst in the league)  Although Ryan's team continues to lose, they are optimistic about their future, as Bill Henry stated, "Every team makes the playoffs right?"  It is this type of attitude, that continues to baffle other coaches around the league.  How do Ryan's teams continue to perform so badly on the field, yet still keep spirits high?

It is undeniable that Ryan has yet to find his nitch in the Softball world.  His coaching style is passive and somewhat unconventional.  His bond with his players is unmatched, but it is obvious, that it doesn't translate to wins on the diamond.  One thing does seem certain, no matter where he is, or who he has with him, Ryan Djernes will try and coach.  The question remains, can he coach, and win? 

Season - 5 - Game - 6 - Los Logartos

Farinacci vs Quinn

Going into the 2009 campaign it was common knowledge that the battle for MVP would come down to two people: Farinacci and Quinn. So far these thoroughbreds haven't disappointed and this years MVP race is as good as any year before. Farinacci has a chip on his shoulder this year because he was not considered for MVP last year, since most of his time was spent in Italy playing Semi Pro Softball. Quinn is out for blood this year as well, he wants to be the first J to be crowned MVP back to back seasons.

Looking at their stats at the halfway mark and they are oddly similar. Both have 24 AB's and both have exactly 14 hits. Paul has a slight edge in Runs and Kevin has a slight edge in RBI's. Both of their play in the field has been impressive as usual.

This is sure to be an intriguing race to the finish for these players, who will rise to the top?

Roidin' Rosen

The J's won easily again last night, extending their season opening winning streak to 6 games. They appear to be leaving the entire division behind and are half way to their first ever undefeated season. So what negative news could their possibly be to report, aside from the general locker room grumblings of the more me-first thinkers on the team (Djernes, Quinn, Farinacci, Reiss, Spaulding, and Aronson, to name a few)?

Sadly friends, controversy found the field yet again. Catcher Lee Rosen, the landslide favorite to finish dead last in the race for the heavily coveted Coach's Award, has struck again. I bit my tounge when the early reports of him gambling on his own team surfaced. I grinded my teeth when there were whispers of him beginning to juice. But, because I take my position as guardian and cultivator of this team's storied history and culture, I can no longer ignore the antics of the man behind the plate.

Every sport has one. In the NBA, it's Artest. The NHL has Avery. For NFL fans, it's Vick. Ask anyone in Softball, and only one name comes to mind...Rosen. He is the only black stain in an otherwise untarnished sport.

Last night, in a move that would generally be applauded league round, he brought two female "friends" to the game. The sport has long been trying to generate more female support, and the intial reaction to Rosen's fans was positive. But within minutes, they were taunting opponents and Rosen was continually ignoring the action on the field in favor of pursuing some action off of it, after the game.

In the end, it came to this...

(Insert picture of Lee grabbing ass here)

He quickly shook off reporters after the game, yours truly included, but some of what transpired around him last night was leaked from friends and family this morning. Apparently, after staying out until 3 AM, he was invovled in a Bryant/Tysonesque sexcapade the likes of which would make even Sting jealous. To make matters worse, a battered and bruised Clint Jackson was left half-dead outside the hospital only a few blocks from Rosen's mansion. He swore that his injuries were completely unrelated, but Jackson's history make it difficult to believe that he could have been anywhere else last night.

Reports are still coming in. And, because you are all well aware how much I despise reporting rumor and conjecture, keep checking the blog. I'll be sure to report the events as they unfold...

The Promise

To the fans and everybody in Soft J Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for a perfect game last night. That was my goal, something the Soft J’s have never done here.

I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone throw the ball as high as I will throw it the rest of the season.

You will never see a team play harder than we will the rest of the season.


God Bless.

Tonight's Lineup & Positions

Djernes (3B)

Aronson (1B)

Farinacci (SS)

K. Quinn (RF)

D. Quinn (P)

Lepore (R)

Rosen (C)

Warren (CF)

Viramontes (LF)

Kenney (2B)

From The Rookie Who Probably Shouldn't Be Posting

Fellow Soft J's:

After flying out to end our top half of the 7th inning on Wednesday and therefore inhibiting Paul's possibility to hit for the cycle, I decided to perform a self-analysis of my contribution to the team to see if I was living up to my multi-million dollar rookie contract (No). I understand that, behind the scenes, management may be discussing placing a little pink slip in a certain centerfielder's locker due to a sub-par batting average, the recent signing of a 16-year old Dominican phenom who is already in Double A, and the fact that I root for a certain Bay Area baseball team against the likes of pretty much everyone within a 40 mile radius here, including most of the team.

I do not hope to end up a newer version of Ryan Leaf, so I assessed my contributions utilizing a (+/-) system to see if I add value to the team. Since this is a stats-crazy team, I used the very popular VORP (Value Over Replacement Player) statistic. Here are the results:

1. Below .500 Batting Average (-1, it's softball, are you kidding me)
2. Flying out to right to end Paul's chances of hitting for the cycle (-4, for the homer he would have hit to complete the cycle)
3. Telling my three single friends about Darren's spectacular ERA (+3)

4. Leading the team in walks (-2, for each walk)
5. Rooting for the Giants (+1 for me, -6 (estimated) for each Dodgers fan on the Soft J's)
6. Winning back-to-back Little League Championships at 11- and 12-years old (+2)
7. Our team name was the Giants (+1 and -6 again)
8. Being on an undefeated team in T-Ball (+1)
9. Living with Snow's ex as my roommate (-1)
10. 1.000 Fielding Percentage (+2, for the total number of fly balls that have made it out to CF in five games)
11. Having fun sisters (+2, I need positive points somehow)

12. Weirdly posting a picture of my sisters for the Soft J's to creep on (-1)
13. Being a rookie and posting on this blog, especially since I'm a new guy, and even especially more for the guys I haven't met yet who wonder who the hell this J.J. guy is (-2)
14. Having the letter "J" in my name and playing for the Soft J's (+2)
15. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan (+10)

So, after this assessment, I ended up with a VORP of (+1). Thus, in the end, I was happy that I was somewhat justifying myself. Obviously, pink-slip decisions rest with the front office, and I apologize for leading the team in walks, but I now feel better that I am somewhat earning a couple pennies worth of my rookie signing contract.

Until Wednesday,
Rookie J.J.

Which Manager Has Been Best? A look Back..

Did you know that with the Soft J’s win last Wednesday night, the Soft J’s career record moved above .500 for the first time in their storied history?

Thinking about that made me think about how each manager contributed to the J’s and how different each manager’s strategy has been. For example look at the Founder, Ryan Djernes, known to most as the worst manager in J’s history. Ryan’s main effort was to get J’s comfortable with the sport of Softball, which he never came close to accomplishing. Although the offense didn’t have the worst numbers (See Sean Djernes) their defense had more holes than a Jamaican highway. (Thank you Rick Ross) With a 2-10 record, Ryan spent more time designing clothes then working on the fundamentals and that became obvious real quick.

Next Djernes to take the reigns was the artist formally known as Lil Sean. Sean’s time in power was nearly as bad as his older brothers and like other monarchy’s, the people would eventually rise up and remove him from power. While his stay lasted though, Sean was known as a gruesome tyrant. Sean moved the game nights from the sacred Thursday night games to the weekend which can now be looked back upon as one of the bigger blunders in Soft J history. The J’s didn’t have their full team once that year and their record indicated how bad they struggled. Sean who was more interested in watching paint dry than putting together a solid offense, he put all of his resources towards defense. Still to this day his squad has the second best Runs Allowed Per Game. Sean also was in charge in a game that most J’s would consider the turning point in the franchise. The Soft J’s matched up against the best team in the league, The Tri P’s (All black and they had the best softball player seen to date – 50 cent) and they held them to only 2 runs. Sure the J’s had 1 and lost the game but the message was clear, this team was now for real.

Paul Farinacci Jr. took over the reigns full time in Season 3 and with his leadership the team put together the first respectable season to date – 7-5. Paul correctly decided to move game nights back to Thursday and the J’s became a formidable force for the first time in their history. Controversy quickly followed Paul though, just as previous leaders, some say the power got to his head. The nastiest thing Paul did was trick all of his players to believe that if they won the final game of the year they would automatically qualify for the playoffs. Not only did they lose the game due to the amount of pressure they put on themselves but Paul later explained that he made up the whole Playoff scenario.

The latest manager hire by Ryan Djernes has proven to be the best hire in recent history, with the signing of Jason Lepore. What Jason has done has been truly unexplainable; he took a bunch of really good looking guys and turned them into a Softball Dynasty. Some say Jason’s tactics are barbarian esq., he candidly admits that he wants all of his players to use steroids. Jason has said in the past that if the league is not going to test, we are going to juice. With only 3 losses in his tenure, (One to a team with a MLB player) losses have become a lost art to the new look J’s. Jason holds all of the coaching records including most runs scored per game, and least runs allowed per game. Jason will not be leaving his position anytime soon after Ryan Djernes locked him into a 25 year contract for a reported 30 dollars and a lap dance at the SC, signed last April. Look for Jason’s numbers to keep improving as the J’s continue to get better and better.

There's A First Time For Everything

I was 18. What were supposed to be the greatest four years of my life were coming to a close. Prom had been a disaster. My date ditched me once we got through the doors and four hours later I found myself sitting alone at her afterparty (which happend to be the only I was invited to).

Drunk, tired, and still slightly embarrased, I was about ready to call it a night. But then somethign miraculous happened - Rowena Kimball, the only girl in the history of our school to make the Men's Wrestling team sat down next to me. Within 10 minutes, we were holding hands on the way up the stairs to my date's bedroom. 17 seconds later (including 12 seconds of foreplay), I had accomplished the greatest first of my life...until last night.

Here are some of the firsts from the J's game last night:

• First time the J's have started 5-0
• First time the J's have won in a game in which they were trailing by 5+ runs
• First error of the season for Paul Farinacci
• First time Kevin Quinn has been near 10 Asians with out hooking up with one of them

Last night was gritty performance by the J's. Down early, they rallied back with a 7 run inning to continue their push for an undefeated season. Defensively they struggled, and for the first few innings, they looked like the J's of old. But by the 4th inning, they hit their stride, and pulled away late.

It's games like these, the near stumbling blocks along the road to a perfect season, that will make this team stronger in the long run.

Soft J's vs 97ERS - Report

To the average eye, tonight’s game looks like a complete landslide in favor of the Soft J’s, fortunately for me, I have quite a bit more smarts than the average eye. If you look at the 97ERS stats a little bit closer you will notice that this team may be bad in the field, but can be effective at the plate. They have had games where they have scored 12 and 10, which for this league is good enough to win. Their defense looks to be horrendous but somewhat improving. They gave up 17 the first game, probably because they were unprepared. Since then they have given up 7, 8 and 11 consecutively, which isn’t too bad. Regardless, this team looks to be bad but if their defense shows up tonight, it may not be as big of a walk in the park as some might think.

Lineup/Positions Tonight

Gentlemen,

I take it the you're all enjoying those samples of No-Explode I left in your lockers last week. Remember, don't be foolish enough to leave it lying around like our old pal Mark Maguire did.

Tonight we play the worst team in the league and I expect back to back mercy rule victories. I'm thinking 30-40 runs scored. Darren, if you want that ERA to drop below 3.00, you should be thinking shutout tonight.

Tonight's Lineup and Positions:

Djernes (3B)
Aronson (1B)
Farinacci (SS)
K. Quinn (RF)
Lepore (R)
D. Quinn (P)
Rosen (C)
Spaulding (2B)
Viramontes (LF)
Warren (CF)

Paul, if your arm is bothering you, let me know, I'll tweak the defense.

Season 5 Stat Rankings - Through Week 4

Hey Guys,

My name is Milton Adams and although you may not know anything about me, I know more information about you than some of your loved ones know about you. I know that Lee Rosen has a 43% chance to get a hit with 2 outs, with a full count on a foggy night. I know that Kevin Quinn is 78% more inclined to hook up with an Asian after drinking over a 12 back of Miller High Life. In short, I absolutely love stats and have been keeping track of The Soft J stats Methodically for the last 3 seasons.

In terms of backround my friend Dave, who you guys know introduced me to your team, he said I would find tons of entertainment in keeping stats on your team and man was he right. Some of my favorite things to see would be Paul Farinacci throwing his glove 50 feet in the air after making an error. Did you know though that he hasnt made an error in 22 straight plays to him and in 9 straight games? I also love watchign Jason Lepore bat, one intresting note about him is that he has never hit the ball right of second base. I also know that Darren Quinn is notorious for popping out to the outfeild and getting credit for a Sac fly simply because a man was on third. Anyways, I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I will be an avid poster on this blog and will updating these stats frequently.

Click no the image abovce to see the stats from this week more clearly.

MA

Have Mercy!

The J's had Squid Row screaming like Uncle Jesse last night en route to their first ever mercy rule victory: 18-3. The game was never in doubt as Pitcher Darren Quinn continued his Cy Young campaign, allowing only 3 runs over 6 innings.

Amidst rumors that he was looking to be traded to a less competitve work softball league (to pad his stats and demand a higher salary upon his return to Santa Monica), Third Baseman Sean Djernes made a statement last night, going 5-5 with a HR, 5 RBIs and 3 Runs.

Also making a statement was Shortstop Paul Farinacci. Almost an afterthought in the MVP race, his two home runs catapulted him back to the forefront. After the game he told reporters, "Go fuck yourselves. You assholes had nothing nice to say about me yesterday, don't bother writing something nice tomorrow."

A few other tidbits:

• Center Fielder Mikey Reiss has officially been absent for a month. This is a schocking development for the reigning Coach's Award winner. Head Coach Jason Lepore made a controversial decision in handing Reiss the award last year, and it appears that he was wrong in doing so.
• Second Baseman Brett Spaulding has made little to no effort to lead the team in walks, despite his pre-season predicition that he would do so. He has, however, hit the ball well over the last two weeks. If the bottom half of the lineup continues to hit well, this team will be unbeatable.

To take advantage of the new blog format, please post any questions you have about the team. I'll be starting a weekly mailbag, so look for it some time next week.

Good Morning One and All!

Now I know some of you are asking yourselves, where the hell has Dave Johnston been? The short is, I've been around. There were brothels to visit, exotic drugs to experiment with, and 3rd world sporting events to cover.

Sadly, my dabbling in the first two activities just listed (when I should have been focusing on the third) resulted in me losing my position at Softball Weekly. Don't worry though, my Wrongful Termination suit is pending.

And so, due to these recent events, I am proud to announce the launching of the David Johnston Soft J's Blog! Okay, so the title needs work, but I'm back baby! Who needs a publisher anyway? My blog will reach dozens, if not baker's dozens', of Soft J's around the world! So, without further ado, a few notes on the season thus far...

• Paul Farinacci's bid to dethrone Kevin Quinn as MVP has been about as disappointing as Rocky V. What should have been an all out slugfest between two superstars at the the peak of their careers has been more like watching turtles mate in slow motion on the Discovery Channel.
• Eric Snow and Clint Jackson are completing their farewell tours in style. Both have played admirably and are expected to carry on the J's tradition in new states. Rumors of a wealthy playboy who whisked Clint off the street and is taking him back to his mansion in Chicago (a la Pretty Woman) are currently being looked into.
• Lee Rosen's gambling addiciton is completely out of hand. Recently uncovered gambling receipts show that he has been betting on the over/under for how many times Rollie Massimino is shown on TV at J's games. This, despite the fact that Massimino has yet to attend a single game AND none of the games have been televised.

That's it for now, loyal J's fans. I've got the itch, if you know what I mean (anyone who's been to Southeast Asia as many times as I have surely does).

Check back tomorrow for a recap of tonight's action.

A, Sad, Sad Day

I was clicking lazily through the list of "Favorites" in my web browser this afternoon, and I just so happened to come across this gem. This blog, an island amidst the chaos of our lives, a place for us to discuss our innermost thoughts and feelings, has been left abondoned for months.

This truly was a great idea. But we have left it to rot. We can't let this fade away like other great inventions: Reebok Pumps, the Star Wars Defense Program, and, of course, the Jet Powered Surfboard (click below).

http://www.cracked.com/article_15693_10-most-ridiculous-inventions-ever-patented.html

It's time to take back what's ours. Let your voices be heard! I expect some serious blogging tomorrow. What better place to start J's trade rumors and awards talk?

P.S. I'm still at work and clearly just took a 5 minute break.