A Little Holiday Treat for You All

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/5860263/

T, C, & GWH: MatCoaPSS CHAPTER # 4

CHAPTER 4 Opening Night

There are certain memories that stay with you long after they've taken place. They hang around like a clingy girlfriend - always there, just waiting for something better to come along and replace them. Opening Night of my first J's season as manager is one of these memories. There was an electric current in the air and the smell of beer and stale urine in the dugout.

I remember driving to the stadium hours before the game and was surprised that two players were already there: the brothers Quinn. Darren told me that he needed at least 1,000 pitches to get warm and Kevin explained that he liked to get the feel of the grass he'd be diving on to make catches in left field.

I had experienced many Opening Nights in my career, but this was certain to be the most special. I spent weeks rehearsing my pre-game pep talk. I paced endlessly in front of the mirror, making countless minor changes to what I would say.

Moments before the game, I called the team to the dugout to deliver my masterpiece. Brett was the last to make it over, as he was on the phone. Just as I was opening my mouth to speak, he hit the speaker button on his phone and the voice of Paul Farinacci, half a world away, addressed the team. He gave a passionate speech consisting of the following themes: World War II, Asians, the J's history against the Shizz, and the Ohio State fight song (in that order).

I felt like Lieutenant Dan, robbed of my chance to be a hero and left crippled in the wake of another's decision to intervene. With a single phone call, Paul Farinacci had created a house divided. The ripple effect of this action would be felt for two years, before eventually boiling over into an off-season controversy that would end my career.

We took the field and delivered one of the most impressive offensive performances in J's history, with all 10 players having at least two hits, resulting in 17 runs. It was an easy victory, 17-7, and I was immensely proud to win my first game out.

After the game I noticed Kevin Quinn sitting alone in the dugout, tears in his eyes. When I asked him what was wrong he said, "I'm conflicted coach. Beating up on an Asian team like that, with none of their women in the stands to see me hit two home runs and drive in 6. Such a waste. I just don't know. Maybe I watched too much Band of Brothers last night."

I reassured him by letting him know that we'd play them two more times that year, leaving him plenty of chances to impress their Asian girlfriends. As I was packing up my things, I happened to notice Lee Rosen and Sean Djernes whispering to each other in a dark corner of the parking lot. I figured Sean was simply asking for some gambling advice regarding Kansas and the over under on total assists in the first four minutes of the second half. I distinctly remember noticing that Sean was skinny, his 150 pound frame shivering in the the chilly Santa Monica night air. Looking back on what this conversation would lead to, I wish I had decided right then and there to walk over and see what they were really talking about.

As I walked to my car, I happened to overhear Brett Spaulding, who was on the phone again, one of his dozen daily calls to Italy. He was saying, "Great speech Paul. You really inspired the guys tonight, got us motivated. We just wanted to win one for you and can't wait for you to get back."

Dejected, I got into my car (a 2000 Camry with an as-yet to be explained sticky gas pedal) and headed home. We had one my first game as manager, but I couldn't help but feel that something had been lost.

T, C, & GWH: MatCoaPSS CHAPTER # 3

CHAPTER 3
Spring Traning

The gap between accepting the job and spring training was a mere 3 days. Always thinking ahead, Mr. Djernes wanted to make sure that I had all the time I needed to prepare. I wasn't worried - the level of training that the J's players did on their own in the off season was the stuff of legend. I didn't even bother calling anyone on the team, as I assumed that this was a team that would prefer a "hands-off" approach, a team of professionals. In retrospect, this was probably the biggest mistake of my coaching career and admittedly it was the first of many I would make while managing the J's.

From the start, Spring Training was a nightmare. Every manager, wants to make a good impression the first time he speaks to his new team. I had prepared what I felt was a great pep talk to make that impression. There was only one problem: although practice was scheduled to begin at 10 AM, the only player who had arrived by 1 PM was Jon Aronson. To this day, I'm certain he had no idea that Spring Training had even started. He told me that he was there to deal with a "customer" in the parking lot and that all of his "best business" was done over by the dumpsters.

Several hours later, a few players started rolling in. Coincidentally, paychecks for the first month of the season were available starting that afternoon. Figuring this was as good a chance as any, I gathered them up and began to speak, "Gentlemen. I know that there's a lot of tradition here. You've had some incredible success in the past and I plan to extend that legacy. But it's gonna take work. A lot of hard work. Games in October are won and lost on the work done April. So let's..."

Third Basemen Sean Djernes had raised his hand, "This all sounds great, but who are you?"

I could see by the look on everyone else's face (by everyone I mean Lee Rosen and Brett Spaulding, as they were the only other two players there) that they were wondering the same thing. I explained that I was the new manager of the team. This was greeted by more blank stares.

Rosen broke the silence, "But you're not Paul."

Djernes chimed in, "Yeah, Paul's the coach. Speaking of which, where is he?"

Spaulding answered, "He's in Italy. He'll be back in six months, 27 days, and 8 hours. This guy is the coach this season, we got emails about it last week."

Dejected, I called Mr. Djernes. He assured me that he would contact the team and that we would restart spring training the following week. I went home, collected myself, and set up a new game plan. I was determined to make this work. An extra week could actually help, I told myself. I would soon learn how wrong I was.

The trials and tribulations associated with Spring Training are too many to count. But some of the issues that arose over that month of preparation still bother me today. For starters, Michael Reiss told me that he didn't have to practice because Paul Farinacci wasn't practicing. When I asked what that had to do with anything he responded, "Anything Paul can do, I can do better. If he thinks he doesn't have to practice, I'll show him that I can skip practice better than he can." I explained that he wasn't practicing because he was playing baseball in Italy. I immediately regretted doing so because I had to spend the next 3 hours convincing him not to hop on a plane out to Italy to join a team in the same league.

With just two days remaining before the start of the season, Eric Snow was still nowhere to be found. It was not until I received security tapes from the Bellagio in Las Vegas that I knew where he was. Apparently, he had been in the poker room there for 17 days straight. They informed me that he was on his way back to Los Angeles after being kicked out of their casino for "Jackson-slapping" other players at his table.

And these were just the off the field issues I had to deal with. There were also a multitude of actual softball issues that required my attention. Sean Djernes was having trouble throwing the ball from third to first, insisting that with his speed it was more efficient for him to run to first to get outs. Kevin Quinn consistently slowed down on fly balls so that he could dive to catch them as he was convinced that defensive plays would be the deciding factor in this year's MVP race. Lee Rosen refused to hit the ball anywhere but over the shortstop's head.

Last but not least, Darren Quinn came into camp with 17 different pitches. He had his standard pitch, a high arcer, and a change up, each pitch with its own unique nickname. I kept trying to simplify his approach but he repeatedly told me, "Score ten runs and I guarantee victory. If we lose, it will never be because of my pitching, only because of the lack of runs scored. Remember that. So leave me alone, and let me do my job. Also, I have a list of ten items that I think could really make the rest of the team better, let's talk after practice."

Despite all of this, I was optimistic about the upcoming season. Even with all of their problems, the J's had an abundance of talent. If I could only find a way to keep them motivated (or in some cases out of jail or simply alive), I knew we could win games. Conflict and controversy just seemed to be the norm for this clubhouse. I would soon learn that not only was the team okay with this kind of atmosphere, it actually thrived on it.

T,C, & GWH: MatCoaPSS

CHAPTER 2
JUST A SMALL TOWN BOY

The bus ride took 12 days (3 breakdowns, 4 flat tires, and 1 FBI seizure of the bus due to the fact that the driver was part of a drug sting), but to me it felt like 12 minutes. Stepping off the bus, I realized that I was in a foreign land. Santa Monica was full of girls in bikinis, college students, and hairy, sweaty, homeless men. Clearly I was a long way from home.

Having very little money to my name, and not knowing anything about where I was, I took the first apartment I could get. The place was filthy and I had 4 roommates (it was a modest 1 bedroom), but I knew that soon enough, making the money Ryan Djernes was sure to offer me, I'd be living in the lap of luxury. I considered myself lucky, several of my roommates happened to know the bus driver who had driven me out to Santa Monica. I was amongst friends. Unfortunately, what few possessions I did have seemed to be disappearing quickly. My roommates told me that Santa Monica was a high crime neighborhood and to be more careful with my stuff.

Within a week of arriving, it was time to meet with the Godfather himself, Mr. Ryan Djernes. For years I had heard comparisons between him, Al Davis, and Donald Sterling, so I knew that he was one of the greatest owners in the history of sports. When I first walked into his office, he had no recollection of ever calling me, and there were boxes and boxes of Purina Puppy Chow scattered all over the office.

With a franchise record of 13-23, it was understandable that he forgot. A man who's experienced that kind of success can't be expected to remember everything. I was just honored to be in the same room with the guy (even though it reeked of dog food). He explained that Purina was a side project of his and that nothing would ever come between him and his beloved J's.

He got right down to business and offered me a 1 year contract for five dollars a game and explained that all contracts were on a per-game basis because no one had ever coached for him for more than a year (the fault was always with the coaches, not ownership or the players themselves). I quickly did the math in my head and realized that this salary would be enough to live at my apartment for 3 years (thanks to Santa Monica Rent Control policies).

After signing in blood, another of Mr. Djernes' rules, he quickly explained the ground rules about how to treat his players. He told me, "Now I know you're just a small town boy, but this is the big leagues now. We average anywhere from 1 to 2 fans a night, and it can get pretty loud out there. Don't let the crowd get in your head. Follow your instincts, unless you disagree with me, then follow my instincts instead."

This all seemed simple enough. He then handed me the official roster, with a short note on each of the players. He said he knew his players better than anyone else and to always look to this sheet to be reminded of their personalities. I've never shared this with anyone, but have published it below:

Sean Djernes - Lack of Competitive Drive, Passive Aggressive
Michael J. Reiss - Me First Attitude, Should NEVER Win the Coach's Award
Lee Rosen - Steroid Addiction, Gambling Problem
Jon Aronson - Prostitution Addiction, Unnatural Love for Short Shorts
Darren Quinn - Dirty Texting Addiction, Unnatural Love for Dirty Texts
Brett Spaulding - Jersey Burner, Unnatural Love for Paul Farinacci, Jr.
Clint Jackson - Prostitution Addiction, Charged with Several Petifile Crimes
Eric Snow - Great Hustler, Serious Drinking Problem
Kevin Quinn - Sweet Lefty Stroke, Unnatural Love for Asian Women
Paul Farinacci, Jr. - Drinking Problem, Gambling Problem, Injury Prone
Jason Lepore - Pussy, Lucky If He Makes Through One Year Working for Me

I couldn't figure out why he left my name on the list, but I'm pretty sure it was simply a motivational tool. My one concern was with Paul Farinacci, a player who I knew was immensely talented but had the reputation of being cancerous in the clubhouse. As the team's former manager, I was reluctant to keep him on the squad for fear of dividing the clubhouse. Mr. Djernes told me, "He is a great player. Get over it."

Oh well, I though, may as well make the best of it. So I walked out of his office energized, ready to take the J's to a new level of success.

Paul Farinacci Carrer Stats Compared to Team Carrer Stats

I will try to get as many of these out as I can. Click on the picture to see the full size.

Winter league fate to be decided at 1pm today, 10/21

Stay tuned J's, the league posts this season's schedule today at 1pm on their website, found at:

http://www01.smgov.net/comm_progs/community_sports/Softball.htm

Best case scenario: J's get into any league, wear their LA City Champions shirt for every pre-game, bring the trophy into the dugout to show case, win their first SM league title, and find a new drinking game for 2010. All is happy.

Worst case scenario: J's don't get in. The curse of Lepore continues, and a Missing Person's report is filed for said Lepore.

Tits, Clits, and Game Winnings Hits: Managing at the Center of a Protein Shake Storm

As you all know, I have been a close friend of Manager Jason Lepore for many years now. Although I've never allowed it to get in the way of objectively reporting on the team he managed for two years, I must admit that I hurt with him when it was recently announced that he would not be returning to manage the team this year. When I spoke with him on the phone after the announcement I could hear him holding back the tears. And so I asked if there was anything I could do. Did he want blog space to make an official announcement? Did he need some cash to make ends meet while he got back on his feet? Did he want to try some exotic drugs and call up a few South Asian hookers to feel better?

He thanked me for the offer but kindly refused. Roughly a month later, he called me back to say there was something I could do for him (I was in the middle of the third activity I offered him in our last conversation). He asked that I publish the chapters of his soon to be released book, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Jim Bouton's Ball Four.

I couldn't say yes fast enough. And so, without further ado, I present Chapter 1 of Tits, Clits, and Game Winning Hits: Managing at the Center of a Protein Shake Storm below.

CHAPTER 1
A DREAM COME TRUE

Most people don't grow up wanting to become a coach. They'd rather play. It's simple, really. Most of us would rather be rich and famous instead of standing on the sidelines shouting directions to the rich and famous. But since the age of 8, when my athletic dreams were drowning in a sea of inability, I've wanted to coach. Those who can't do, teach and those who can't play, coach.

I sat down and began to read every great coaching book I could get my hands on. I was voracious. Coach Wooden's Pyramid of Success, Sacred Hoops by Phil Jackson, What it Takes to be Number 1 by Vince Lombardi, and, of course, Bad as I Wanna Be by Dennis Rodman. These were my Bible, my Torah, my Bhagavad Gita. I strove to be the best I could be....by making others be the best that they could be.

For 10 years I studied and at the age of 18, got my first coaching job. I was the Assistant Water Boy for the Defiance Desperados, a D League Kickball team with a franchise winning percentage of .087. For years I languished. I coached everywhere, in every sport. I spent time as an Assistant to the Assistant Trainer's Assistant for the Massapequa Mustangs (Dodgeball). I worked as an Intern for the Babysitter of the Assistant Coach of the Tallahassee Titans (Curling). I even found myself as the Assistant White Board Eraser (Pre-Game Speeches Only) for the Wayne Weavers (Professional Basket Weaving). And then, in the summer of 2004, I got my big break.

After a lengthy interview process, I was name the head coach of the Bingham Bed Wetters, an F League Softball Team. In just three years, I raised their franchise record from 14-145 to 20-190. They'd never seen such success. And so it was that I was sitting late in my office one night, working on the lineup, that my phone rang.

On the other end of the line was the legendary Ryan Djernes himself. He wanted me to fly out to Santa Monica (in actuality he meant that I should take a bus and he'd pay for 1% of the fare, a deal I couldn't pass up) and meet with him about becoming the next head coach of the Soft J's. I packed up and left a note on my desk, resigning as the most successful coach in the history of the Bed Wetters.

I sat on the bus, riding West, gazing out the window the whole way. It was all happening, my dreams were coming true. I knew that I'd get the job, and I knew that the Soft J's would never be the same.

SOURCES: Lepore to return as Soft J’s Manager, almost fired

Sources close to the Soft J’s organization have confirmed that Jason Lepore will be back as manager for their next softball season, when and where ever that may be.

Those same sources, with direct knowledge of the situation, who also claim to be the best looking members of the organization, confirmed that there was a brief period where it looked as if Lepore’s termination was eminent. There was unrest in the clubhouse with where the club was heading, especially since they weren’t heading to Cabo after the games.

But after the final game of the season and the realization amongst all J’s that they had just laid claim to their first pennant, any chance of a mutiny was put to rest.

In other news, Lee Rosen and Sean Djernes have both tested negative for performance enhancing drugs and will be available for next season. Kevin Quinn has vowed to come back stronger than ever and also stated that he has signed an endorsement deal with P90X. Paul Farinacci claims to have a tumor in his brain, but doctors have confirmed that it was in fact the world’s largest in-grown jheri curl. All expect Paul to claim he has another life threatening disease shortly. Jon Aronson was voted first team All-Ass, as voted by the fans for best rear end. Brett Spaulding finished last in voting for Comeback POY. Eric Viramontes is reportedly in talks with the Mexican National Track and Field team. JJ Warren’s contract is up for review after an “ankle injury” kept him out for all of the 2nd half of the season, some suspect there is more than meets the eye on this one. Tim Kenney’s cleats have been taken into possession by league officials determining if the metal spikes he uses could sever a human leg. People are still wondering why Mikey Riess was always batting in the top 3 of the line up even after a month hiatus. Rumors of an alleged affair with Jason Lepore have been floating around the internet. The head office mentioned that finding a replacement pitcher for next season is the most important off season move in the storied franchises history. P Darren Quinn is expected to be out next season after surgery.

From Soft J's to the Softest J's

the J's are just a fragment of what they once stood for and their priorities are way out of whack. No more trips to Cabo, in fact, no one even asks about going anymore. No more emails before games pumping everyone up for that night's game. In fact, we've gone to an automated system now for checking in players, and even that didn't help last night as we had only 9 show up. Mrs. Farinacci showed up to watch one of the most pathetic offensive performances by a Soft j's team ever (Tri-P's is #1).

the only recognizable characteristic of the J's that was seen in last night's game was everyone getting on Sean when he snapped his 5 season long hitting streak followed by an F bomb on-slaught that offended everyone within a square mile.

even Dave Johnston won't write about us anymore.

we truly have gone soft, and that's just unacceptable.

The recent onsent of June Gloom certainly hasn't made an impact on the J's performance on the field. They've continued their dominance of the league this season as they've pushed their record to 8-1. A first ever division championship is all but locked up. And yet, attendance is at an all time low. Win after win, I've sat in the stands, alone and confused. How could it be that through the best season in J's history, turnout has hit rock bottom?

And so it was that I decided to do some serious investigative reporting, the likes of which I haven't done since I uncovered the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs in the RFRRL (Russian Federation of Russian Roulette League). After hours and hours of phone calls, internet searching, and drug use, I still had no answers. I had given up. And then something strange happened.

I was sitting at the game Wednesday night and Center Fielder Sean Djernes was called out on a close play at second base. My ears perked up. A Djernes outburst is worth the price of admission alone. And what happened, you ask? Nothing. A few words to the other team as he walked back to the dugout. No massive F Bomb. No being held back by teammates. No telling the other team that he'll be in the parking lot or that he could beat any one of them in at least 8 out of 10 sports. And right then and there I figured it out. The J's have gone vanilla.

This team used to draw comparisons to the Pistons of the late 80s. It was this swagger, this attitude, that put fans in the stands. I did a little more research and found a stat that says it all. The J's are 8-1 this year, but they have made a mere 2 trips to Cabo. They don't drink, they don't swear, and they barely even taunt each other during the games any more. They may win, but it sure hasn't been exciting to watch.

I spoke with Second Basemen Jon Aronson after the game and was told, "You know I think we're all just turning a corner. Maturing. That stuff was fun when we were 20, but not anymore. I think we've all learned that you don't have to drink to have a good time." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Aronson is a perfect microcosm of what this team has become. He stopped turning tricks 3 years ago and hasn't even sniffed a scandal since.

It wasn't always this way, and hopefully it doesn't stay like this. But losing party legends Clint Jackson (known for his trademark random screaming and 2 hour solo dance sessions) and Eric Snow (known for binging until 4PM the next day in Vegas) certainly doesn't bode well for the future.

Faithful readers, I leave you with the following link below. It is my hope and my dream that the poor sportsmanship caught in this video will once again become the J's trademark.

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/d08e74cde5cd25d96429b14979431c8d/video/4516990

Instructional Video

I ordered Fred McGriff's back-to-back-to-back AAU Championships instructional video for myself after last night's game, so if anyone wants to borrow it, I've got it.

Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVgVZWvzT0A

Tonight's Lineup/Positions

Djernes (3B)
Reiss (CF)
Farianacci (SS)
K. Quinn (RF)
D. Quinn (P)
Lepore (R)
Rosen (C)
Warren (LF)
Kenney (1B)
Spaulding (2B)

Fall From Grace

It was once said, with great enthusiasm, that Ryan Djernes would change the game of Softball forever.  Right out of college, Ryan was viewed by many as godsend, and a sign of great changes to come. Unfortunately, in his short career, it doesn't look as if  Ryan will ever live up to any of the hype decreed in the media.  His coaching career has been plagued with disappointment.  In just 3 seasons, he has coached for 3 different teams, all of which posted losing records.  In his last, and most current coaching opportunity, Ryan fell to a new low, as he was asked to coach a Co-ed team.  Ryan accepted the job, and in 6 games, his team has yet to win a game.  It is becoming clear, that with a team of Men or Women, Djernes just doesn't have the stuff to Coach in this game.  

In his first season with the J's, Ryan struggled through his rookie year.  His passion to share in the personal lives of his players, only lead to his teams consistent failure.  He asked his players, "Where do you want to play today?" and without question, he would meet their requests. He lived without a lineup, stating that "Everyone should have a chance to bat cleanup." Although these strategies made some players adore him, they also brewed a internal hatred for Ryan, amongst the premier players.  It was this hatred, that eventually forced Ryan out as the Soft J's coach in early 2007.

His second season was held in Scottsdale, AZ.  To this day, there is little information that can be found, as to the possible success or failure of this team.  We do know, that the team, named Amateur Hour, posted a loosing record (5-7), which was now becoming a staple of any team coached by Djernes.  In addition to the teams loosing record, they were further embarrassed by their lack of style.  The team wore solid Pink shirts, with no logo at all.  Some of the older members of the J's were heard saying "At least Ryan used to care about looking good...now he has really thrown in the towel."

Currently, as stated above, Ryan moved to San Francisco, CA.  Maybe a change of scenery would be all Coach Djernes needed to catapult his career.  To start the season out, Ryan made, what looked to be, his smartest coaching move to date.  Ryan brought Soft J's MVP 08, Sean Djernes, up for a game.  It was hailed as a "no-brainer," but the outcome would prove otherwise.  Sean made 6 errors and went 1 for 3, and Ryan's team lost their first game of the season.  The season was young, and there was still hope.  Unfortunately, with a Co-ed team, Ryan can hardly manage to get 9 players out on the field.  One female was quoted saying, "play for Ryan? I think I have a hair appointment today."  Ironically, she missed two additional games with an Eyebrow Appointment and a "Petty."  The lack of commitment, and apparent poor coaching, has lead Ryan's team to an 0-6 record. (The worst in the league)  Although Ryan's team continues to lose, they are optimistic about their future, as Bill Henry stated, "Every team makes the playoffs right?"  It is this type of attitude, that continues to baffle other coaches around the league.  How do Ryan's teams continue to perform so badly on the field, yet still keep spirits high?

It is undeniable that Ryan has yet to find his nitch in the Softball world.  His coaching style is passive and somewhat unconventional.  His bond with his players is unmatched, but it is obvious, that it doesn't translate to wins on the diamond.  One thing does seem certain, no matter where he is, or who he has with him, Ryan Djernes will try and coach.  The question remains, can he coach, and win? 

Season - 5 - Game - 6 - Los Logartos

Farinacci vs Quinn

Going into the 2009 campaign it was common knowledge that the battle for MVP would come down to two people: Farinacci and Quinn. So far these thoroughbreds haven't disappointed and this years MVP race is as good as any year before. Farinacci has a chip on his shoulder this year because he was not considered for MVP last year, since most of his time was spent in Italy playing Semi Pro Softball. Quinn is out for blood this year as well, he wants to be the first J to be crowned MVP back to back seasons.

Looking at their stats at the halfway mark and they are oddly similar. Both have 24 AB's and both have exactly 14 hits. Paul has a slight edge in Runs and Kevin has a slight edge in RBI's. Both of their play in the field has been impressive as usual.

This is sure to be an intriguing race to the finish for these players, who will rise to the top?

Roidin' Rosen

The J's won easily again last night, extending their season opening winning streak to 6 games. They appear to be leaving the entire division behind and are half way to their first ever undefeated season. So what negative news could their possibly be to report, aside from the general locker room grumblings of the more me-first thinkers on the team (Djernes, Quinn, Farinacci, Reiss, Spaulding, and Aronson, to name a few)?

Sadly friends, controversy found the field yet again. Catcher Lee Rosen, the landslide favorite to finish dead last in the race for the heavily coveted Coach's Award, has struck again. I bit my tounge when the early reports of him gambling on his own team surfaced. I grinded my teeth when there were whispers of him beginning to juice. But, because I take my position as guardian and cultivator of this team's storied history and culture, I can no longer ignore the antics of the man behind the plate.

Every sport has one. In the NBA, it's Artest. The NHL has Avery. For NFL fans, it's Vick. Ask anyone in Softball, and only one name comes to mind...Rosen. He is the only black stain in an otherwise untarnished sport.

Last night, in a move that would generally be applauded league round, he brought two female "friends" to the game. The sport has long been trying to generate more female support, and the intial reaction to Rosen's fans was positive. But within minutes, they were taunting opponents and Rosen was continually ignoring the action on the field in favor of pursuing some action off of it, after the game.

In the end, it came to this...

(Insert picture of Lee grabbing ass here)

He quickly shook off reporters after the game, yours truly included, but some of what transpired around him last night was leaked from friends and family this morning. Apparently, after staying out until 3 AM, he was invovled in a Bryant/Tysonesque sexcapade the likes of which would make even Sting jealous. To make matters worse, a battered and bruised Clint Jackson was left half-dead outside the hospital only a few blocks from Rosen's mansion. He swore that his injuries were completely unrelated, but Jackson's history make it difficult to believe that he could have been anywhere else last night.

Reports are still coming in. And, because you are all well aware how much I despise reporting rumor and conjecture, keep checking the blog. I'll be sure to report the events as they unfold...

The Promise

To the fans and everybody in Soft J Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for a perfect game last night. That was my goal, something the Soft J’s have never done here.

I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone throw the ball as high as I will throw it the rest of the season.

You will never see a team play harder than we will the rest of the season.


God Bless.

Tonight's Lineup & Positions

Djernes (3B)

Aronson (1B)

Farinacci (SS)

K. Quinn (RF)

D. Quinn (P)

Lepore (R)

Rosen (C)

Warren (CF)

Viramontes (LF)

Kenney (2B)

From The Rookie Who Probably Shouldn't Be Posting

Fellow Soft J's:

After flying out to end our top half of the 7th inning on Wednesday and therefore inhibiting Paul's possibility to hit for the cycle, I decided to perform a self-analysis of my contribution to the team to see if I was living up to my multi-million dollar rookie contract (No). I understand that, behind the scenes, management may be discussing placing a little pink slip in a certain centerfielder's locker due to a sub-par batting average, the recent signing of a 16-year old Dominican phenom who is already in Double A, and the fact that I root for a certain Bay Area baseball team against the likes of pretty much everyone within a 40 mile radius here, including most of the team.

I do not hope to end up a newer version of Ryan Leaf, so I assessed my contributions utilizing a (+/-) system to see if I add value to the team. Since this is a stats-crazy team, I used the very popular VORP (Value Over Replacement Player) statistic. Here are the results:

1. Below .500 Batting Average (-1, it's softball, are you kidding me)
2. Flying out to right to end Paul's chances of hitting for the cycle (-4, for the homer he would have hit to complete the cycle)
3. Telling my three single friends about Darren's spectacular ERA (+3)

4. Leading the team in walks (-2, for each walk)
5. Rooting for the Giants (+1 for me, -6 (estimated) for each Dodgers fan on the Soft J's)
6. Winning back-to-back Little League Championships at 11- and 12-years old (+2)
7. Our team name was the Giants (+1 and -6 again)
8. Being on an undefeated team in T-Ball (+1)
9. Living with Snow's ex as my roommate (-1)
10. 1.000 Fielding Percentage (+2, for the total number of fly balls that have made it out to CF in five games)
11. Having fun sisters (+2, I need positive points somehow)

12. Weirdly posting a picture of my sisters for the Soft J's to creep on (-1)
13. Being a rookie and posting on this blog, especially since I'm a new guy, and even especially more for the guys I haven't met yet who wonder who the hell this J.J. guy is (-2)
14. Having the letter "J" in my name and playing for the Soft J's (+2)
15. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan (+10)

So, after this assessment, I ended up with a VORP of (+1). Thus, in the end, I was happy that I was somewhat justifying myself. Obviously, pink-slip decisions rest with the front office, and I apologize for leading the team in walks, but I now feel better that I am somewhat earning a couple pennies worth of my rookie signing contract.

Until Wednesday,
Rookie J.J.

Which Manager Has Been Best? A look Back..

Did you know that with the Soft J’s win last Wednesday night, the Soft J’s career record moved above .500 for the first time in their storied history?

Thinking about that made me think about how each manager contributed to the J’s and how different each manager’s strategy has been. For example look at the Founder, Ryan Djernes, known to most as the worst manager in J’s history. Ryan’s main effort was to get J’s comfortable with the sport of Softball, which he never came close to accomplishing. Although the offense didn’t have the worst numbers (See Sean Djernes) their defense had more holes than a Jamaican highway. (Thank you Rick Ross) With a 2-10 record, Ryan spent more time designing clothes then working on the fundamentals and that became obvious real quick.

Next Djernes to take the reigns was the artist formally known as Lil Sean. Sean’s time in power was nearly as bad as his older brothers and like other monarchy’s, the people would eventually rise up and remove him from power. While his stay lasted though, Sean was known as a gruesome tyrant. Sean moved the game nights from the sacred Thursday night games to the weekend which can now be looked back upon as one of the bigger blunders in Soft J history. The J’s didn’t have their full team once that year and their record indicated how bad they struggled. Sean who was more interested in watching paint dry than putting together a solid offense, he put all of his resources towards defense. Still to this day his squad has the second best Runs Allowed Per Game. Sean also was in charge in a game that most J’s would consider the turning point in the franchise. The Soft J’s matched up against the best team in the league, The Tri P’s (All black and they had the best softball player seen to date – 50 cent) and they held them to only 2 runs. Sure the J’s had 1 and lost the game but the message was clear, this team was now for real.

Paul Farinacci Jr. took over the reigns full time in Season 3 and with his leadership the team put together the first respectable season to date – 7-5. Paul correctly decided to move game nights back to Thursday and the J’s became a formidable force for the first time in their history. Controversy quickly followed Paul though, just as previous leaders, some say the power got to his head. The nastiest thing Paul did was trick all of his players to believe that if they won the final game of the year they would automatically qualify for the playoffs. Not only did they lose the game due to the amount of pressure they put on themselves but Paul later explained that he made up the whole Playoff scenario.

The latest manager hire by Ryan Djernes has proven to be the best hire in recent history, with the signing of Jason Lepore. What Jason has done has been truly unexplainable; he took a bunch of really good looking guys and turned them into a Softball Dynasty. Some say Jason’s tactics are barbarian esq., he candidly admits that he wants all of his players to use steroids. Jason has said in the past that if the league is not going to test, we are going to juice. With only 3 losses in his tenure, (One to a team with a MLB player) losses have become a lost art to the new look J’s. Jason holds all of the coaching records including most runs scored per game, and least runs allowed per game. Jason will not be leaving his position anytime soon after Ryan Djernes locked him into a 25 year contract for a reported 30 dollars and a lap dance at the SC, signed last April. Look for Jason’s numbers to keep improving as the J’s continue to get better and better.

There's A First Time For Everything

I was 18. What were supposed to be the greatest four years of my life were coming to a close. Prom had been a disaster. My date ditched me once we got through the doors and four hours later I found myself sitting alone at her afterparty (which happend to be the only I was invited to).

Drunk, tired, and still slightly embarrased, I was about ready to call it a night. But then somethign miraculous happened - Rowena Kimball, the only girl in the history of our school to make the Men's Wrestling team sat down next to me. Within 10 minutes, we were holding hands on the way up the stairs to my date's bedroom. 17 seconds later (including 12 seconds of foreplay), I had accomplished the greatest first of my life...until last night.

Here are some of the firsts from the J's game last night:

• First time the J's have started 5-0
• First time the J's have won in a game in which they were trailing by 5+ runs
• First error of the season for Paul Farinacci
• First time Kevin Quinn has been near 10 Asians with out hooking up with one of them

Last night was gritty performance by the J's. Down early, they rallied back with a 7 run inning to continue their push for an undefeated season. Defensively they struggled, and for the first few innings, they looked like the J's of old. But by the 4th inning, they hit their stride, and pulled away late.

It's games like these, the near stumbling blocks along the road to a perfect season, that will make this team stronger in the long run.

Soft J's vs 97ERS - Report

To the average eye, tonight’s game looks like a complete landslide in favor of the Soft J’s, fortunately for me, I have quite a bit more smarts than the average eye. If you look at the 97ERS stats a little bit closer you will notice that this team may be bad in the field, but can be effective at the plate. They have had games where they have scored 12 and 10, which for this league is good enough to win. Their defense looks to be horrendous but somewhat improving. They gave up 17 the first game, probably because they were unprepared. Since then they have given up 7, 8 and 11 consecutively, which isn’t too bad. Regardless, this team looks to be bad but if their defense shows up tonight, it may not be as big of a walk in the park as some might think.

Lineup/Positions Tonight

Gentlemen,

I take it the you're all enjoying those samples of No-Explode I left in your lockers last week. Remember, don't be foolish enough to leave it lying around like our old pal Mark Maguire did.

Tonight we play the worst team in the league and I expect back to back mercy rule victories. I'm thinking 30-40 runs scored. Darren, if you want that ERA to drop below 3.00, you should be thinking shutout tonight.

Tonight's Lineup and Positions:

Djernes (3B)
Aronson (1B)
Farinacci (SS)
K. Quinn (RF)
Lepore (R)
D. Quinn (P)
Rosen (C)
Spaulding (2B)
Viramontes (LF)
Warren (CF)

Paul, if your arm is bothering you, let me know, I'll tweak the defense.

Season 5 Stat Rankings - Through Week 4

Hey Guys,

My name is Milton Adams and although you may not know anything about me, I know more information about you than some of your loved ones know about you. I know that Lee Rosen has a 43% chance to get a hit with 2 outs, with a full count on a foggy night. I know that Kevin Quinn is 78% more inclined to hook up with an Asian after drinking over a 12 back of Miller High Life. In short, I absolutely love stats and have been keeping track of The Soft J stats Methodically for the last 3 seasons.

In terms of backround my friend Dave, who you guys know introduced me to your team, he said I would find tons of entertainment in keeping stats on your team and man was he right. Some of my favorite things to see would be Paul Farinacci throwing his glove 50 feet in the air after making an error. Did you know though that he hasnt made an error in 22 straight plays to him and in 9 straight games? I also love watchign Jason Lepore bat, one intresting note about him is that he has never hit the ball right of second base. I also know that Darren Quinn is notorious for popping out to the outfeild and getting credit for a Sac fly simply because a man was on third. Anyways, I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I will be an avid poster on this blog and will updating these stats frequently.

Click no the image abovce to see the stats from this week more clearly.

MA

Have Mercy!

The J's had Squid Row screaming like Uncle Jesse last night en route to their first ever mercy rule victory: 18-3. The game was never in doubt as Pitcher Darren Quinn continued his Cy Young campaign, allowing only 3 runs over 6 innings.

Amidst rumors that he was looking to be traded to a less competitve work softball league (to pad his stats and demand a higher salary upon his return to Santa Monica), Third Baseman Sean Djernes made a statement last night, going 5-5 with a HR, 5 RBIs and 3 Runs.

Also making a statement was Shortstop Paul Farinacci. Almost an afterthought in the MVP race, his two home runs catapulted him back to the forefront. After the game he told reporters, "Go fuck yourselves. You assholes had nothing nice to say about me yesterday, don't bother writing something nice tomorrow."

A few other tidbits:

• Center Fielder Mikey Reiss has officially been absent for a month. This is a schocking development for the reigning Coach's Award winner. Head Coach Jason Lepore made a controversial decision in handing Reiss the award last year, and it appears that he was wrong in doing so.
• Second Baseman Brett Spaulding has made little to no effort to lead the team in walks, despite his pre-season predicition that he would do so. He has, however, hit the ball well over the last two weeks. If the bottom half of the lineup continues to hit well, this team will be unbeatable.

To take advantage of the new blog format, please post any questions you have about the team. I'll be starting a weekly mailbag, so look for it some time next week.

Good Morning One and All!

Now I know some of you are asking yourselves, where the hell has Dave Johnston been? The short is, I've been around. There were brothels to visit, exotic drugs to experiment with, and 3rd world sporting events to cover.

Sadly, my dabbling in the first two activities just listed (when I should have been focusing on the third) resulted in me losing my position at Softball Weekly. Don't worry though, my Wrongful Termination suit is pending.

And so, due to these recent events, I am proud to announce the launching of the David Johnston Soft J's Blog! Okay, so the title needs work, but I'm back baby! Who needs a publisher anyway? My blog will reach dozens, if not baker's dozens', of Soft J's around the world! So, without further ado, a few notes on the season thus far...

• Paul Farinacci's bid to dethrone Kevin Quinn as MVP has been about as disappointing as Rocky V. What should have been an all out slugfest between two superstars at the the peak of their careers has been more like watching turtles mate in slow motion on the Discovery Channel.
• Eric Snow and Clint Jackson are completing their farewell tours in style. Both have played admirably and are expected to carry on the J's tradition in new states. Rumors of a wealthy playboy who whisked Clint off the street and is taking him back to his mansion in Chicago (a la Pretty Woman) are currently being looked into.
• Lee Rosen's gambling addiciton is completely out of hand. Recently uncovered gambling receipts show that he has been betting on the over/under for how many times Rollie Massimino is shown on TV at J's games. This, despite the fact that Massimino has yet to attend a single game AND none of the games have been televised.

That's it for now, loyal J's fans. I've got the itch, if you know what I mean (anyone who's been to Southeast Asia as many times as I have surely does).

Check back tomorrow for a recap of tonight's action.

A, Sad, Sad Day

I was clicking lazily through the list of "Favorites" in my web browser this afternoon, and I just so happened to come across this gem. This blog, an island amidst the chaos of our lives, a place for us to discuss our innermost thoughts and feelings, has been left abondoned for months.

This truly was a great idea. But we have left it to rot. We can't let this fade away like other great inventions: Reebok Pumps, the Star Wars Defense Program, and, of course, the Jet Powered Surfboard (click below).

http://www.cracked.com/article_15693_10-most-ridiculous-inventions-ever-patented.html

It's time to take back what's ours. Let your voices be heard! I expect some serious blogging tomorrow. What better place to start J's trade rumors and awards talk?

P.S. I'm still at work and clearly just took a 5 minute break.